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December 31, 2005

Two-Oh

It may not look like much, but Ascent Stage has undergone a major revision this past week. I only just got around to addressing the corrupt database issue from a while back and in the process took care of just about everything else that was bugging me about the site this whole year. So, in no particular order, here's what's new:

• Browse by Topic category is back from the dead (the corrupt db killed it).
• Browse by Date no longer sucks (as bad).
• Movable Type has been upgraded to 3.2 -- there are more features, of course, but the best is what seems to me to be faster rebuilds.
• Trackbacks are off for the time-being -- still searching for a way to prevent trackback spam as I have done with comments (which remain open). Ideas?
• There is now a merged RSS feed for the main blog and the marginalia, thanks to Feed Digest.
• My account at Last.fm, the site which catalogs my music played and powers the sidebar, has been upgraded. Those of you who listen to the streaming radio from Last.fm (which would be -- checking -- exactly no one to date) can expect it to be faster now.
• There is now an actual error page for 404 Not Found. It is not properly catching errors yet, but it does exist. See.
• There is now a consolidated Archives page as well as a single page listing every post to date.
• Site code has been cleaned and modularized. You care not at all, I know. But the general de-crufting makes me feel good.
• Search results and comment previewing are (finally) formatted properly.
• I am using Library Thing to catalog my recent reading in the sidebar. Eventually I'd like to write reviews for the books that end up in the margin, but for now I am still cataloging my library.
• For you usability folks, I've changed link colors slightly to better differentiate visited from unvisited.
• I added the now-standard RSS feed icon to denote subscribable feeds.
• Lots of other stuff that would bore you even more than the above, if that is possible.

There are some deep links that are broken still and I've not fully tested in IE or Safari, but for the most part the ship is seaworthy.

So, enough with the housekeeping. Time for 2006 content.

Posted at 1:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Housekeeping

Resolutions in review

Twelve months has passed since I outlined twelve resolutions towards my betterment. So, let's do the numbers.

1. Learn how to conjugate Italian verbs in a tense other than the present.
   Sort of. I know more verbs than this time last year and I got a chance to flex my conjugator (ahem) on a trip to Rome, but the tense thing. I'm still stuck in the present. (Or, in translated Italian: I stick in the present.)
   
2. Get a goddamn backhand.
   Done. No more do I run a half-court's width to ensure forehands. I am whole.
   
3. Fall in love with NASA again.
   I admit, I did. Michael Griffin instills confidence, the Chinese provide the neo-cold-war competitive impetus, and there's even a presidential mandate to skedaddle out of low-earth orbit, for what that's worth. Marsward.
   
4. Be nice to political bloggers.
   Pretty much. Easy now that the screaming and yeah-what-they-said cross-link lovefest has died down after the elections. I'd love to know how many political blogs withered in 2005 with no election fodder to chew on.
   
5. Learn to match beats when remixing.
   Believe it or not, yes. The DJ console helps, of course, but I did have to figure it out.
   
6. When home, watch only high-definition television programming.
   I have failed. TiVo, being standard-def (and crappy at that), is the culprit. Plus The Daily Show isn't in high-def, so right there I'm screwed.
   
7. Convert all old mix tapes to MP3.
   No, and ain't going to happen either. However, I did complete the digitization of all my old vinyl LP's! So I consider this complete in spirit if not in letter.
   
8. Become able to change my son's diaper with one hand.
   Can be done, but is not advised as it takes three times as long and often results in fecal matter where you don't want it.
   
9. Avoid LAX like the Black Death.
   Not done. Could have routed myself differently I s'pose. Ah, well.
   
10. Avoid the Black Death.
    Plague-free, baby!
    
11. Get to know my nephews better.
    Uh, well. I know them better than I did this time last year. Mostly because more time has passed, but hey whatever works.
    
12. Figure out how to make my own oak switches for the Russian Baths.
    Regretfully, no. And I should be practicing since they are closed for a bit. Bad John bad.
    

Not bad, then. I completed 7, got 2 half-done, and only blew 3. I made significant gains from the half-year review, that's for sure. Now to come up with a few for '06 ...

Posted at 1:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Notes

December 25, 2005

Tradition

The full family rarely convenes at my parents' house for Christmas Day any more. With our own families now and out-of-town in-laws it just doesn't happen as often as it used to. So it is heartening to see that some traditions stand the test of time.

My mother decorates the main bathroom with hundreds (perhaps thousands) of little Santa figurines that she has found over the years. It is actually a little terrifying. Like urinating in the woods at night and knowing you're being watched by dozens of glowing animal eyes. But one item that is always present is a set of letter blocks that spell CHRISTMAS. Inevitably at some point in the merriment someone scrambles the block into this lovely anagram. Has been going on for years. Ah, tradition.

Posted at 10:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Fun

December 23, 2005

Already know you'll be unhappy with your gifts?

If so, have I got some deals for you, Ascent Stage-reading faithful!

Audiotron 100 - Perfect condition. Loved intensely from uncrating to ceremonial disconnection from the mothership A/V center. Still the only networked media player that requires no server-side software. Works with any operating system. It scans your local network for MP3, WMA, and WAV files and lets you access them via the front panel, remote, or a web interface. It even has a PDA interface which is rare among networked media units. And because I'm honest with my blog readers: the only reason I am selling it is because my media is so iTunes-bound that I purchased an Airport Express and no longer need it. $100. Shipped free.

Harmon-Kardon HK3720 - Basic but powerful stereo receiver. No video bells and whistles but a great stereo receiver. Used faithfully as a second unit for whole-house audio, now not needed because my new receiver supports multiple zones. $150. Also shipped free (and that sucker is heavy).

Roku HD-1000 Photobridge - The only networked media receiver that I know of that supports component video out. Perfect for displaying high-res digital slideshows. Also supports MPEG-4 for your ripped DVD viewing pleasure. Does music too and supports custom apps. Reason I'm selling: new receiver supports photo viewing, though not networked. This makes me sad, but I have to draw the line somewhere. $110. Of course, shipped free.

Sony 100 CD Changer - Old but sturdy mega-jukebox. Optical out, plus album title display field. Reason: have not played a CD in years. $50. Shipping alone might cost as much, but for you, dear readers, it is free.

My thanks - It has been a fun year. Thanks for reading everyone! Free. Immediate download.

Contact me if you are interested.

Posted at 8:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Topic: Notes

December 22, 2005

Thrice blessed

Well, it looks like my youngest son was right when he assumed the West African stance that anticipates the coming of a new sibling. (Confused? Here's the story on that.)

That's right, we're expecting a new baby. Number three. Due May 27, a mere two days after our 10th wedding anniversary, causing us to continue to wonder just what in the hell we did with all our time prior to the arrival of the midget squad. I seem to recall thinking I was busy back then. Ha.

There's mixed opinion on the man-to-man parenting of two children versus the zone defense of three. I'm of the mind that it can't be worse than having two kids to run after. The transition from one mostly risk-averse toddler to a sibling who'd rather be juggling knives as he sets flame to a puddle of paint thinner was rough. But now that we've mastered the art of not allowing them to kill themselves, us, or others we're somewhat nonplussed by the challenge of a third. Can't be that bad. Right? Right?

The kids don't know yet. We can hardly announce an activity that is more than an hour in the future if we want any kind of peace from the is-it-time-yet questioning, so we're deferring until Mommy's rotundity is unavoidable. It'll be interesting to see the reaction. Happiness, befuddlement, anger, fraternal plotting? I'm certain there'll be plenty of post fodder from their commentary on the matter.

As an aside, I need better blog categories. Seems so cold to add this announcement to "Genealogy".

Posted at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | Topic: Genealogy

Pre-holiday musings

Small enough to fit in your stocking.

(1) Is it me or is Firefox 1.5 not ready for prime time? Memory usage spikes, random shutdowns, and of course the obligatory extension-busting. Still the best by far, but couldn't it be, um, better?

(2) There will be one extra second in 2005, owing to a miniscule slowdown in the Earth's rotation. Is it time to decouple our timekeeping from geophysics and just use our atomic clocks? And what are you planning to do with the extra time?

(3) There are seven (colored) lines on the Chicago L transit system. There are seven notes in major, minor, and modal musical scales. There are 144 stations currently in operation, a number easily divisible by the 12 tones of the Western chromatic scale. If this isn't begging for some kind of orchestral arrangement where actual train cars passing through stations over time trigger notes, then I don't know what is. See also: Projects 2006.

(4) I'm headed to Istanbul early next year. Suggestions on what to see, what to eat, where to smoke the hookah?

Posted at 5:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Notes

December 20, 2005

Winter dreaming

Holy mackeral it was cold today! Not a day for Christmas shopping up and down State Street. ('Course, when is?) I'm going to my happy place. Right. Now. Damnit.

Here's me in 2003 outside Barile, Italy, where Horace composed part of his Odes, excerpted below. In the background is the extinct (yeah, right) volcano Vulture. In the foreground is my belly filled with lovely Aglianico del Vulture wine.

In childhood's days, on trackless Vultur,
beyond the borders of old nurse Apulia,
when I was tired with play and overcome
with sleep,

the doves of story covered me o'er with
freshly fallen leaves, to be a marvel to all who
dwell in lofty Acherontia's nest and Bantia's
glades, and the rich fields of Forentum in the dale --

how I slept safe from bears and black
serpents, how I was overspread with sacred
bay and gathered myrtle, with the gods' help a
fearless child.

Posted at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Topic: Italy

December 18, 2005

Return to New Orleans

"FEMA, the new four-letter f-word."

This was one of the signs I encountered minutes after leaving the New Orleans airport on a brief trip to see family this past weekend.

There's gallows humor about too though. The Times-Picayune was running a FEMA Trailer Holiday Makeover on how to spruce up your temporary domicile despite the circumstances. This of course only applies to the areas with power since you can't get a FEMA trailer if there's no power in your area. I was flabbergasted to see how much of New Orleans still lacks this basic utility.

In fact, I was stunned the entire time I was there. From the shockingly understaffed emergency room at East Jefferson General Hospital (another story entirely) to the three-story high mounds of wreckage piled into the medians between boulevards to the patchwork quilt of blue FEMA tarps covering rooftops from Slidell to the bayou, there was so much more still hurting in the area than I -- or most of America, I'd bet -- realizes. News outlets occasionally check back and there's the sometime blip on the political radar of Katrina fallout, but for the most part I was unprepared for the degree to which New Orleans is down for the count, seemingly for quite a while.

I had composed a draft of this post before I even arrived in NOLA. I was going to put into words my feeling that Mardi Gras should go ahead full steam this year as a show of the vitality of the city. I've scrapped that draft, filed away for some time in the future. New Orleans is not ready. The city is non-functional. Sure the airport is open, but it is ghostly. Only a few gates and a fraction of the concessions are operational. There's a palpable pall the moment you set foot in the terminal. Driving into the city proper is horrific. Destroyed cars have been towed to the center of I-10, a vast graveyard of corroded metal. The West End, like much of Orleans Parish, is in total ruin. Cryptic FEMA spray-painted symbols adorn every home -- and all are abandoned. Doors open, high water mark stains clearly visible, entire neighborhoods are empty. Houses lean and lurch from the foundation damage. Every street intersection -- where the traffic lights, if upright, are still not working -- is cluttered with makeshift signage for all manner of assistance: tree-shredding, gutting, roofwork, and generic disaster relief services. Yet, basic services are unemployed. (When was the last time you saw a Jiffy Lube offering a signing bonus?) Church steeples point horizontal, straight at the ground still somehow attached, or have impaled parking lots in front of the places of worship. And the trash. By one count there is 34 years worth of rubbish to be hauled away. Junk is literally everywhere, even in the higher-ground neighborhoods relatively untouched by the water.

I arrived and took a cab to my wife's grandmother's house where I was to meet my family momentarily who were coming from elsewhere in the city. Entering the neighboorhod I encountered a sign that said "Looters will be shot." I exited the cab and, without a key, poked around the house for a way into the backyard to wait. I should have known that I would look suspicious. I immediately noticed people mulling about the subdivision looking at me in an unfriendly way. Luckily my wife pulled up shortly, but I am not sure circumstances would have been different if I had loitered longer. I was not prepared for this. I imagined a city on the mend -- hobbled for sure, but bound together in a kind of sturdy let's-get-on-with-it mode. I didn't see this at all. I'm sure it exists in places, but most of my relatives are depressed and not a few bitter. There's racial tension in people who have never been disposed to think in those terms. And looting jokes are not funny. This is one case where the news seems not to have covered the worst of it.

Two of my wife's uncles stayed through the storm. One stayed with his two teenage children, a decision he forcefully admits regretting now. The day after the hurricane when the levees broke he and his kids spent their time moving from house to house shutting off neighbors' gas lines. At one point my uncle was in the back of the house working with the gas while his children were inside trashing things that would rot from the refrigerator. Suddenly they saw a man through the front windows with a shotgun yell "Hey!" Scared, they ran to get their father's pistol and headed for the attic. A showdown was averted when the man turned out to be a state trooper from the neighborhood who did not recognize my uncle's car in the driveway. He was also African-American. Such is the near-tragic misunderstandings that ensue when an every-man-for-himself mentality results from the complete breakdown of law and order.

McDonald's are shuttered. The Wal-Mart is closed. Yet, drive-through daiquiri bars and po-boy shacks are up and running. The good times will roll again, there's no doubt. But New Orleans needs time and help and an army of able-bodied workers to get back on its feet. I think Mardi Gras should be celebrated this year. But only for the local residents as a celebration of the living. The city cannot afford the extra police presence, the tonnage of trash, or the degree of lawlessness that normally attends Fat Tuesday and its run-up. New Orleans is no stranger to hangovers, but this time we need to let it recuperate fully before inviting her to party again.

Posted at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: New Orleans

December 13, 2005

Portrait of the Author as a Young Dork

Gizmodo is running a great contest asking for a scanned photo of readers "looking like the biggest dork in the world at age 10-18."

Yes, I owned a thin tie with piano keys on it. Yes, I had parachute pants. But maybe I'm too close to this to judge.

What do you think? Should I enter? Be honest.

No, really. Be honest.

Posted at 6:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | Topic: Fun

Eternal Egypt on the High-Tech Texan

This Saturday at 12:30PM Central I will be interviewed as part of Michael Garfield's High-Tech Texan show on Talk Radio 950 AM KPRC in Houston. The subject is the placement of the first Eternal Egypt kiosk at the Houston Museum of Natural Science as part of their Mummy: The Inside Story exhibit.

I'm tempted to scream "Am I the fourteenth caller!? Did I win!?" when I get on the line, but I'll probably refrain. I will, however, be in New Orleans with no good (quiet) place to take the call so who knows what will happen.

The High-Tech Texan is streamed live for you Eternal Egypt junkies outside broadcast range.

Posted at 11:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Egypt

To create an aquifer

My father wants to add a word to the Oxford English Dictionary. Now, I love my parents very much so I mean no disrespect when I say that language is not their strong suit. They've been making up words for as long as I've known them -- but they don't know they are making up words. For example, my mom calls me an "aggravant" which is like an irritant who aggravates. Great word, but not in the dictionary of course.

Only recently has my dad gotten the bee in his bonnet to actually get one of his neologisms into the OED. Poor guy. He doesn't realize you can't just write the editor a letter to petition for inclusion. Here's an excerpt of his submission:

The word is "acquifier". It means "the process of acquifying". It is used in governmental and scientific writings to refer to the material comprising the "acquifer" and / or performing "the process of acquifying". Unfortunately, it is believed by some that the only acceptable word is "acquifer". But, "acquifer" refers to a specific area or place (frequently a proper noun) rather than the afore stated material and / or process.

Essentially what he is asking for is a word for the process of the creation of an aquifer. The problem is that "aquifier" implies that there is a process called aquifying and it suggests that there is an agent of this aquifying (the "aquifier"). I am not sure this is the case. What is the agent? Water itself? But the real problem is that, unlike the word police French, American lexicographers don't just add words. New additions have to be proven to be in common usage.

So let me take a moment to state officially that Ascent Stage does not use nor does it support the usage by others of the word "aquifier."

Posted at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Words

December 12, 2005

Digital music 2.0

Digital music is mainstream, that's for sure. But we're only now seeing the true power of what having one's collection digitized can do -- beyond the obvious portability of it all.

In the vinyl and CD eras, one navigated a music collection by album. There was no other way to do it. You selected the record/disc and then maybe the track and that was that. Digital music libraries with filterable metadata, smart playlists, and all manner of apps for organization make navigating music a lot more flexible, if not significantly easier than the old days.

CoverBuddy gives you an iTunes-like interface that represents albums as cover art thumbnails. CoverFlow takes this concept one step further and presents 3D cover art that you can flip through as though through a booklet of CDs.

Fun for sure, but it is online music services that truly open up possibilities.

Most talked-about these days is Pandora from the Music Genome Project. Basically a streaming radio station set atop a massive database of style data for thousands of songs and artists, Pandora delivers tunes based on the internal characteristics of a single song (or more) that you like. Once you start listening you can further hone your tastes -- er, genetic composition.

Pre-dating Pandora is Last.fm and their Audioscrobbler service. This too delivers customized recommendations and a personal radio station, but it is based on what like-listening users have played rather than a close (human) analysis of styles. (It also powers the playlog of Ascent Stage.)

MusicBrainz offers a different slant. Think of it as a wikipedia for musical meta-tags. CDDB on steroids. MusicBrainz offers downloadable applications to help you properly tag your music in a way that reflects the user-contributed info in their vast database.

But this presents a problem -- at least to me. Certainly artist and album information can be somewhat standardized, but much of tagging is subjective. For example, I find that I almost always start listening by heading into a genre first and then to an artist and then (maybe) to an album. The genre category is my front door. But it is also the most subjective and least standardized. One person's Ambient is another's New Age, Heavy Metal another's Hard Rock; Dance another's Techno. But that's a good thing. There's opportunity for personalization, to make the categories your own. Here are mine.

1980's	If it was released in this decade and has that new wavy feel (i.e., not classic rock) then it goes here. Obviously a problem category since it is the only chronological one.
Alternative	If it was ever played on mainstream radio and is not 1980's or classic rock, it goes here.
Ambient	Mostly electronic. Not New Age.
Audiobook	Including spoken word.
Children's	Obvious, though certain bands like They Might Be Giants have kid albums that might as well be in other genres.
Christmas	Obvious.
Classic Rock	There's certainly a cutoff date for this in my mind, but I have no idea what it is.
Classical	Obvious.
Country	For my wife. Please disregard.
Electronica	Most everything, but increasingly difficult even to know what part of an album constitutes electronic.
Halloween	Obvious. (I love Halloween.)
Jazz	Obvious, though there's much overlap with certain sub-genres of Electronica.
Mashup	My newest genre. For categorizing music whose reason for being is to mess with generic labels.
New Age	Gotta put Ottmar Liebert somewhere.
Oldies	I suppose this is chronologically-bounded too. Classic rock and roll, pre-1970.
Original	My own music.
Pop	Not 1980's, not rock, not alternative. Prince, for instance.
Soundtrack	Both scores and soundtracks, actually.
Surround Sound	There's no confusion on this one. Pure sonic muscle-flexing.
World	Global styles.

There are more here than I would like, but this is the smallest number that adequately divides. My feeling is that keeping the number of these doors few is key. Too-fine generic subdivision makes a top-level category useless. I have a friend who sub-divides using the Grouping tag religiously. (There's even a guy out there who hacked iTunes to let him more easily categorize classical music.) Yet, to me, that way insanity lies. You can always further describe something, but how much is enough? Is genre a function of chronology, musical style, popularity?

I'm disgressing. The point is that there is no answer to these questions and that is a good thing. Genre is personal. I'm the first to admit that my categories make no good sense and overlap horribly. I'm all for data standards, but not in this case.

Which isn't to say that digital music depersonalizes the experience. If anything it has multiplied the possibilities of expressing oneself. Collaborative, themed mixes are all the rage these days. And just recently Jason Freeman released the iTunes Signature Maker, a stunningly cool app that scours your music collection and creates a unique sonic "signature" of your musical taste -- a kind of schizophrenic flashback through what matters most to you. The output is uncanny. Here's mine (2:12 minutes, 3.1 MB, MP3).

Posted at 6:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | Topic: Music

December 11, 2005

Howdy, neighbor

Nearly every day for the last three years I've said hello or briefly chatted with our next door neighbor, Steve, "Home Improvement"-style through the wooden fence. He's always around so I presumed he either didn't work or that he worked from home.

Today, thanks to a holiday gift of a bag full of cookies I now know what "Uncle" Steve does. Who would have ever guessed?

Golly, they're flavorful!

Posted at 8:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: I Like

December 10, 2005

Cleaning up the gutter

Quick note of thanks to Jeff for manning the marginalia links this past week. Good stuff. Just one question: how do you really feel about religion?

I've got a backlog of links to post so expect a dumping.

That is all.

Posted at 9:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Housekeeping

December 9, 2005

Ultimate snowball

Last night, as the snow came down in buckets, a friend commented on how perfect it would be to start a snowball fight against the masses huddled on the opposite L train platform. As we all waited for the delayed trains and came more and more to resemble snowmen, it seemed like a great idea. Perfect distance, a perfect no-man's land -- the electrified rails -- in between the opposing armies, and in fact a perfect reason: people on the east platform were, in part, headed to the south side on the orange line. People on the west were headed to the north side on the brown. How better for Cubs fans to blow off some post-World Series steam? (Poor purple line commuters. They were going north too but were unfortunately clumped in with the orange liners. Collateral damage, I guess.) Only one problem. The snow was way too dry. You couldn't form a snowball at all.

Pity. That would have been fun. At least until someone fell into the tracks.

Posted at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Topic: Chicago

December 7, 2005

Composting waveforms

My interest in Four Tet led me to a novel application he uses called AudioMulch. In a nutshell this program allows you to build a visual diagram of how your sound sources will flow, enabling what the developers call "an analog approach to electronic music." The main window allows the composer to stitch together "contraptions" -- basically nodes that either input, output, or modify sound -- to create a kind of sound machine that can be tweaked entirely visually. The interface is fascinating (not unlike the video processor GraphEdit, which I mused on so long ago) and gets you creating interesting sounds immediately. The tool is powerful, too, permitting layering and full sequencing. And the potential for creating visually interesting networks of contraptions (beautiful in their own right) that also create cool music is really appealing. I'll work on that.

Posted at 7:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: Music

The Physics of Santa and His Reindeer

This piece of Internet humor never gets old. Every holiday season I stumble upon it and crack up. Not sure where it originated. I'm sure I've had it for at least ten years.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized LEGO set(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Posted at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Topic: Fun

December 5, 2005

'Tis the season for re-gifting

My wife and I are going to try an experiment this holiday season. We're initiating a multi-year project to track the travels of a single bottle of party favor wine as it hops from party to party, host to host, forgotten cabinet to forgotten cabinet. How will we do this? GPS? RFID? Nah. Just gonna re-gift a bottle to a recipient who we know will play along and re-gift it to someone else, and on and on. A viticultural chain letter.

Since gift wine is almost universally crappy* it doesn't get better with age and so, after a while, what gets shuffled in social circles is actually a container of steadily more noxious (and possibly dangerous, if consumed) liquid. A gift that depreciates in the giving.

What's really interesting to ponder is the origin of a re-gifted bottle. Who actually starts the process? The quest to know is the equivalent of an epidemiologist searching for the origin of a mutant virus.

Also, can the re-gifted bottle jump the "holiday barrier" and enter the mainstream gifting community or -- gasp -- will it actually be consumed?

[*] An exception to this is the tier of really good wines that get shunted around. These bottles are re-gifted precisely because they are so good. Too good to drink yourself when they'd make a perfect re-gift. And thus the fine wines get finer in the same way that the re-gifted hooch gets hoochier.

Posted at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Topic: Notes

December 4, 2005

$$$

"Daddy, why do you work?"

"Um, so we can have money." Thinking, crap, I should have said something more meaningful like "well, son, I work to make the world a better place." Ah well, better roll with it.

"But money comes from the machine."

"Yes, but work puts it in the machine."

My son thinks about this for a very long time, then walks off without saying anything. I'm pretty sure he thinks my job is to actually load money into ATM's.

Eh. As long as he's proud of me.

Posted at 4:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Topic: The Darnedest Things

December 2, 2005

Guests in the margin

An experiment in perspective for the next week, Ascent Stage will cede control of the margin links to Jeff Greer, fellow geek, avid connoisseur of web goodness, and pal. Hopefully he'll have some unique nuggets for us. Don't let my broad readership down, Greer.

By the way, if you're in a newsreader you'll need to subscribe to the marginalia feed seperately to see it.

Posted at 6:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Topic: Housekeeping